Questioning trust in relationships when love, friendship and family come with advice to hide, hold back and act out of character.

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9mins. Commentary. October 31, 2026

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Photo by Ariel on pixels

Why do I have to watch my back with people?

I have so many questions to ask the world, and I’m not sure I would get an answer that I genuinely want to get or whatever.

What’s going on in this world? Have we always been like this? Or has this changed gradually?

I know I might be foolish to say this. I was going to cancel “foolish” to find a better word because that is how people will view me. As foolish. But who even cares at this point?

I am very tired of the way relationships are these days, and I somehow believe it was better back then. Or maybe it wasn’t better, and someone just decided to be quiet and allow bullshit to reign.

You really can’t be in a relationship peacefully. Basic human decency is like a rare gemstone now.

You might be lucky to find one decent human. Oh, is there any such human being left? I doubt it, and it’s crazy how we are all caught up in that circle of whatever name we have to give what is going on.

And when I speak of relationships, I’m not just talking about romantic relationships. I’m talking about friendships, family, and other relationships that exist.

It’s so crazy that everyone keeps preaching the same thing: watch your back, you have to be mad to maintain a relationship, you have to go out of character sometimes to defend yourself, you have to be this and you have to be that.

And I’m thinking to myself, this is serious. If I have to do all of that, I would rather not have any form of relationship with anyone, then, and be by myself if that would restore some sort of sanity to myself and my wellbeing.

It is so sad that I somehow have to be a part of this mess that we have all created and settled into as the norm in life.

Why do I have to display a certain level of “madness,” as they call it, to not be taken for granted? Can’t I just be free and not adhere to the word of the street that says, “Never trust no one”?

So you always have to assume the worst from any human being. And well, yeah, human beings, we surely show each other the worst.

We have patted silly behaviours on the back for a very long time, and they somehow just look normal to us. And we still continue to do so. It doesn’t make sense to me, and it genuinely won’t get any better.

Whether I’m scrolling through social media or having conversations with people in real life, everyone says the same thing.

The most baffling one is the issue of marriage or romantic relationships. Whenever the topic of marriage comes up, it’s ridiculous statements flying all over the place, and we have somehow settled into accepting it as the norm.

“You have to be a bit mad to be in marriage. Even if you are gentle, try to let them know you are not okay.”

“Don’t be too gentle in marriage.”

“Don’t trust too much.”

“Don’t allow your partner to know this and that about you.”

“Hide your finances from your partner.”

So many ridiculous statements. And I always say to myself, if sustaining a relationship would require me to go out of character once in a while, or show that I can get angry or that I do not tolerate rubbish, then I’m sorry, I don’t want to be involved in marriage on this earth.

Maybe in heaven I’ll get married, if there is much more sanity there than on this earth.

I hate how we highlight defence mechanisms to protect ourselves instead of picking out the people and behaviours that make us too defensive. It’s really crazy.

These are the things that make me question marriage in the first place, because if I have to do all of that, I would rather not.

I am not that kind of person, and I had to sit with myself and say, fuck it, I wasn’t raised this way, and I would not turn myself into that.

If being a good person in love, who genuinely cares about someone and would do anything for the person they love, means that person sees you as stupid and people call you stupid, then yeah, I am a stupid person who will not be involving myself in anything the street is preaching or enforcing.

I agree that the world is a jungle and everyone is in survival mode, and you have to watch your back. But that should apply to strangers who don’t know you and can do anything to you because they have no connection with you whatsoever. Not the people close to you.

Like your family, the friends you choose, the romantic relationship where you both agree to be a part of each other’s lives.

So what difference are those people making in my life if I also have to watch my back around the people closest to me? What exactly are they doing to be a part of my life?

If I’m going to have to be careful around the people I should be the most vulnerable with, I would rather not. And I would rather exist alone.

I don’t know why we have normalised all of this to the point where we talk about watching our backs around the people closest to us like it’s just another everyday thing to expect.

I know it’s good to protect yourself, but at the end of the day, not from your closest people. I’m saying it again because it doesn’t make sense to me.

I just want to not watch my back, not be scared or harbour negativity in my mind towards anyone. I don’t want to keep expecting them to do me evil.

I am so tired of having to navigate relationships and even meeting ordinary people that I might not ever meet again. One of the very things I hate about life.

Some of us were raised with pure love, not in an environment that required us to watch our backs or act a certain way to prove a point. An environment where you could feel safe without proving how tough you were to make people treat you right.

Pure love was me experiencing love from my mum and also learning how she loved. She just did things freely for people out of goodwill. Pure kindness.

She was the parent I spent the most time with, and that was how my mum loved. She just hated people being in distress whatsoever. Even if you were openly bad to her and you were in danger, she would look after you first before even remembering you were bad to her.

And she made sacrifices. I experienced her love, and I watched how freely she gave it to other people. That was the love I grew up knowing.

I wonder what we need to heal the world and get rid of the toxicity in it. I really wonder how people survive like that, and it is unfair on those of us who just want to be free and not be moulded in a certain way.

I’m not a hard person, neither was I raised that way. But you meet people who, maybe, were raised that way. Maybe not. They have no joy in them, and all they want to do is steal yours.

But can’t complain too much.

I just want to be able to love freely, to show affection freely without the thought of having to watch my back because the person I love might do something to me. Or having to be hard and not be as expressive as I want to.

When I feel comfortable with someone, I just want them to be properly looked after. I want them to not have any type of burden. Their burden becomes my burden. I would go to any length for them.

I remember having a conversation with someone about women borrowing money for their partners. She was openly saying she would never, that men can do so many things to you. And there I was, thinking I didn’t see anything wrong with helping someone I loved that way.

I know borrowing money might sound like doing too much. But to me, that is someone I care about. And I’m not just referring to romantic relationships. If someone in my family or one of my friends was genuinely in need, and my only option was to borrow, I would. That is how far I would go to help someone I love.

And when people say, “Watch your back, hold back,” I have to start acting like someone who isn’t me. I have to show a bit of care and not show care. But this is someone I love and care about. How do I hold back?

It’s really conflicting for me. I am what people would consider a fool. You know those people who will go to great lengths for others, and people call them fools just because they are kind and genuinely care? I am like that.

It’s just crazy that I have to navigate relationships that way. Would it get better? Absolutely not. It probably gets worse by the second. But yeah, that’s the life I find myself in.

Like someone said, bad people should meet bad people, and good people should meet good people. I honestly couldn’t agree more.

So yeah, I’ve stopped looking for a romantic relationship because I can’t be guarded all the time. I am not that kind of person. I am the person people would consider a fool. And I’ve stopped listening to the advice because it’s not me.

I know it’s conflicting. I want to trust and not be guarded. But if I get hurt, instead of people pointing at the person who did something horrible, I would be called stupid, foolish, too trusting. Why didn’t I watch my back?

And at the same time, the people whose behaviour makes you feel you have to be guarded aren’t willing to change. So where does that leave me?

I’ll hold my peace. I would still be me, be genuine, and love openly. But I’ll keep that within my family and friends, who I would allow to call me a fool, lol. That is still forgivable.